A move cross country will turn you upside down…
Since finding out about my move to the city of angels, I’ve had to face fears that highlighted new insecurities–or insecurities I thought were buried too deep to ever re-surface.
Fear: What if a relationship between me and a lover–that had taken new form–ends before it begins? Right when it’s starting to feel right? Right when we’re finally giving us a chance?
Insecurity: What if I’m not worth trying with or for?
Fear: What if this move shows us that our friendship isn’t as strong as what I thought it was?
Insecurity: Will I be replaced?
Fear: What if I’m closer to my family and yet remain far?
Insecurity: Will they try? Will a loved one finally give us a chance? What if he doesn’t?
Here I was, feeling challenged and empowered by the move and the promising opportunity that came with it, but also vulnerable and fearful as to the power that gave others. Am I strong enough for this move? Is this the *right* move? My assumption of other people’s feelings about it started affecting me. I started to doubt myself, my worth, my strength, my love.
But I make moves off passion, and I had to remind myself of that. I had to look in the mirror and remind myself of who was making this move: Me.
I made a move. I’m here.
But the ones I thought I can hide behind–or under–on my lonely, tough days as the new me are nowhere in sight, and in turn I have to face new fears.
In comes my best friend Steven for the save: “Focus on you. It’s always gonna be about you, and it should be that way until you’re where you wanna be. Some people are gonna have to remain in chapter 2.”
The move isn’t about who’s going to hold on to me or not. It’s about who or what I’m going to let go of or not so I can hold myself down. You really gotta look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if this person you are becoming is who YOU want to be.
The theme for March is Mirror. The theme for April is Sober, because it’s not always pretty when you look at yourself in the mirror, let alone what happens after.
What does Sober mean to you? Feel free to send over submissions and pitches that tie to the April theme at INFO@ILYMAG.COM by March 30, 2017. All ideas (essays, interviews, photo essays, short films, vignettes, trend reports, analysis, short stories, art) are welcome, especially the unconventional.