Words by Erika Ramirez. Art by Sam Liacos
Thinking of dating, thinking of starting over is overwhelming.
The minute I moved to Los Angeles two months ago, it’s felt as if I’ve been rebounding, rebounding from one city to another. For a minute, it felt as if I was trying to move on to LA too quickly, as my life of 10+ years in NYC lingered. I want to let go but I don’t at the same time. How?
Sometimes LA feels temporary. But, I tell myself to go with it, take it day by day, and try not to think about it too much. If I do? If I feel like I have to stay in one place, I get anxiety. I don’t like feeling like I have stay in one place. I want to feel like I have the choice to leave–leave to grow, leave if I get hurt, or leave to not hurt. I didn’t decorate my apartment(s), I never truly made a home a home, I created space with my personal and professional life (or I try to), etc.
But! I’m decorating my apartment in LA. I even bought a rug and plants. I’m fighting my past ways, I’m trying to find comfort in the uncomfortable, not only because I’m enjoying my 9-5 or because I’ll regret not exploring the adventure LA has to offer, but also because if I leave right now, I’ll wander back to the doorsteps of a man who chose to not choose me. I couldn’t live with that. If I’m going to leave, I’m going to leave for me, as I have in the past and as I did with this move.
Still, it feels like I’m rebounding. I have so much wonder about my new life, while my past life feels sure. How do you move on to something or someone knowing what you left, or left you, is a part of you? Did I leave too soon? Does it matter? Can my mind be in one place, while my heart is elsewhere? And what if it belongs to someone who’s let you go? Someone who doesn’t choose you? My past let me go. Maybe though it’ll be easier to be in one place, or it’ll be easier to forget or to rebound. (If only it was as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall in love.)
The theme for May is Rebound. The theme for June/July is Two Sides, from the two sides of one’s own self, two sides to a breakup, the reason(s) behind heartbreak, seeing something or someone differently in the light than in the dark…
What does Two Sides mean to you? Feel free to send over submissions and pitches that tie to the June/July theme at INFO@ILYMAG.COM by May 29, 2017. All ideas (essays, interviews, photo essays, short films, vignettes, trend reports, analysis, short stories, art) are welcome, especially the unconventional.